Welcome back to another season of marvellous Gav and Andy articles, numerous Gav and Andy personal appearances (call our agent Mr Hickey, 086-4079311 to discuss terms (female discount available) special pre-season deal -- buy five, get one free still available!!!... competitive rates - a pint (of orange/ blackcurrant) and a pink snack), a bit of coaching, and even a bit of hockey (although we're burnt out already at this stage of the season)...
A special welcome to anybody who has never experienced the magical world of Gav and Andy before. Prepare to be thrilled, skilled, milled, filled, chilled,
The summer has been filled with change... Crap Al is now Club Captain Clap Al (re: exclusive Galway reportage brought to you exclusively by us, in a world exclusive).... Ro 'the sieve' Hickey is keeping us out of the coffers, but as usual keeping no balls out of the net (not even his own as he falls backwards over the line a lot)...the club has reportedly spent £3000000 on GK equipment for Jackman in an attempt to keep him warm as he sits on the bench... most of the costs were incurred as Ro set off on a fact finding mission to Siberia to research materials with high insulation value... surprisingly after exhaustive research, Jackman will now be lining out for bench duty sporting a £7.99 green lagging jacket purchased in the ESB shop in Finglas.
Rumour has it that Andy and Kirky were supposed to be organising this years tour. Kirkys early talk of a 21 day trip to Sydney culminating with a match against the Olympic champions, in the state of the art hockey arena (capacity 50,000) followed by a couple of pints sounded implausible.. but due to Turkys diligence and dogged determination... his plans have come to fruition... except for a couple of last minute minor changes...
1. The 21 day bit has been revised to an evening (4 hours to be precise)
2. The continent has been revised to Europe (due to currency exchange problems)
3.To follow last years trip to Galway the hockey will be entirely fictional (but Jenny McGovern can still bring her stick if she wants)
4. The venue is no longer the 50,000 Sydney Arena, but the 50 seater Belfield sportsbar!!!
Well done to Kirky and Andy............ Kirky for Club Captain~!!!
This year we are saying a sad farewell to Chimpy (shipped to Germany for cosmetic testing - he's cheaper and less intelligent than a lab rat...), Crowley (trying for a 9.2 hundred metres in Atlanta (yes, we wonder too) (managed it many times during 4ths matches last year), Jorg (still modelling with Keith Hegarty), Matti (in charge of Chimpys quarantine in Germany), Fitzroy (living in Buenos Aires with Camp Diego and possibly Matti), Jones (in bed), McDonagh (in the same bed ridiculously boooozed), Ro Hickey (we got another new keeper (Iceland U-15) so piss off).......... and other minor celebrities that we've forgotten.............
So........... onto this season.... it's now midnight, and we swore we'd be finished by 11.30.....
MENS 1st XI
Captain : Marcus Miller
Coach: Mr Brian Delaney B.A.HDip (maybe)
Outs: all of last years losers (we haven't forgotten that hot headed ball throwing incident.. (in Jones bed)
Ins: various signings - some KH players.... Conalls brother, Woods the Goalie... unconfirmed - Mark the Bandon Terrier and his pal Goldilocks...
Prediction : Champions! (so long as the lads stay in bed)
With Delaney at the helm with his hand on the rudder, and Miller working miracles in the engine room (she canna take anymore Cap'n), hopefully the new crew coming on board will navigate the perils of division 2... (watch out me Harties.. for Marcus, the ex UCD giant octopus lurking in various puddles on Brays pitch)...... Full speed ahead!!!!
LADIES 1st XI
Captain : Lucy Cotter (maybe)
Coach: Mr Jeremy Butler
Outs: a few Hobsons....and the odd Irish International....
Ins: loads of good looking birds (who like last years firsts won't talk to us).... nice one Jeremy!!!!
Prediction : sixth
Six months ago Ger had a vision of a great UCD ladies team, lifting the leinster league title (then he woke up and changed his pyjamas)
MENS 2nd XI
Captain : Mr Clap Al
Coach: Gav and Andy on a consultancy basis
Outs: there was no-one to leave!!! except for Peter Veale... and he stayed!!!
Ins: Jackman and anyone else who turns up and can walk!
Prediction : Champions!!!
With Clap Al talking the talk... and giving it 110%.. playing it wide, and all the usual Clap... the 2nds can't help but succeed! They're in division 5 - where the average age profile of the opposition is 65 (Andys too old to play 2nds)!!!
LADIES 2nd XI
Captain : ?
Coach: ? Jackman?
Outs: Lizzie and Susan (gone to Pembroke, last spotted holing Birdies in the Burrow.... together????)
Ins: ?
Prediction : promoted twice in two years, won the cup last year... can Steve (Vialli) Thompson's success continue???
MENS 3rd XI
Captain : Andy McKay
Coach: 46A, 10, 17 and the odd bus to Gorey
Outs: the thirds is purely an invitational team...
Ins: the thirds is purely an invitaional team (although Good Al has gone to Italy, so we will be holding interviews in mid November.... and there is also doubt about Hillary... last time we saw him he was covered in funny little patches (a Cork thing I suppose))
Prediction : Champions! (if we plug the big hole in Ro... Crap Al has volunteered to do this with his fist)
Andys 11th (count 'em) season (and final, again) in UCD will be sure to be an eventful one... Brens 8th year.. Kelans 7th year, Gavs 6th year...... a real college team my arse!
LADIES 3rd XI
Captain : ?
Coach: ?
Outs: ?
Ins: ?
Prediction : they will play some matches.. they will win some... they will lose some.. they may even draw some....
MENS 4th XI
Captain : Captain Graham T Kirk (by the way, the T stands for 'Tirky')
Coach: this year we won't be wasting good beer money on such extravagance
Outs: Crowley (very fast departure), Jorg, Matti, Emmanuel (missing, presumed abducted by aliens)
Ins: Irish International (baseball player) Cormac... various foreign punters with dodgy links to UCD
Prediction : Champions! (but if it was our money we'd go for last)
Captains Log, stardate 15.09.2000... we are still trapped in the bottom division... our transporters are still not working... not since we got promoted from Division 11... when a sub space anomaly fused it with the division above...
our only hope of survival is to find another way out of this cursed division.... photon torpedos haven't been ruled out, but Ro is reluctant to sign the cheque.... so its up to Captain Grahams T Kirk to take an away team on the road to come back with some points... well at least some dilithium crystals.....
Kirk Out
LADIES 4th XI
Captain : 5'10, blonde, single, game - willing to try new things!!!
Coach: Gav
Outs: Eavanna (midfield dynamo... as opposed to bicycle dynamo)
Ins: anyone with a modelling contract
Prediction : Champions!!!!
It's Gavs last Hurrah.... and he wants to score badly.... disillusioned with the level of commitment from last years team, Gavs softly, softly coaching approach (which incidentally is the same way he approaches everything) will be no more. Fitness rules!!! Resistance is futile!!! Last year they played for fun... this year its serious!!! lets score at least one good goal!!!
LADIES 5th XI
Captain : Fantastic!!!
Coach: Mr Andrew McKay BA, HDip, DBS
Outs: Lizzie baby!!!, Therese (dropped/dumped)
Ins: all ex High School/Newpark students welcome.... no room for any Wesley girls (that includes you Reardon)
Prediction : Champions!
Just three points from promotion last year, this year it'll be win win win.... with Gavs rejects and Ro stars, plus a couple of last years team (see ins) the super 5ths will be unstoppable (until we play Skerries/Longford/Bray/RCSI!!!)
LADIES 6th XI
Captain : Some Ginger
Coach: Ro 'the sieve' Hockey
Outs: all blondes/brunettes... (non Gingers)
Ins: all Gingers knocking around, Gordon
Prediction : Ginger
With his Level 1 coaching qualification, Ro now knows how to coach (on paper anyway)... possibly the most difficult team in the club to coach (due to the Ginger rule).. the spunky sixths may struggle.... but will give it (ginger) socks...
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and finally........
Gav and Andys survival tips for Fresher players... (and Clap Al)
1. If Gav tells you to turn up for a match at 10.00, the start time is 2.15
2. If Andy tells you to turn up at 10.00, the match was at 9.30
3. Ro Hockey is the Ginger one
4. Ro Hockey and Gordon are not related (contrary to popular belief)
5. If Clap Al tells you to give it 110%, it's time to Relax
6. If you're up the other end of the pitch when the opposition are taking a shot on Ro, start making your way back back to the half way line for the restart
7. Ger Butler will shout at you
8. Ger Butler will go to the sports bar
9. Don't worry, somebody with more experience has already called an ambulance
10. Wear a gumshield and shinguards (Al)
11. If you are crap, make sure you announce to your coach that you have a car (even if you don't).... coaches are always looking for creative players
12. You will score at the colours
13. Ger Butler will shout at you
14. If you're crapper than crap, point out the fact that the boot of your afore mentioned transport has enough room for goalkeeping equipment.
15. Send any problems you have during the year to gavandandy@ireland.com ....You will receive kind and honest advice (and we will not take the piss out of you... well at the beginning anyway... maybe...)
16. A special prize for the first Ladies 1st XI player to send a problem (it can't be about the fact that Ger shouts though)
17. If you are still reading this....
18. you will know that Gav and Andy always dispense the truth
19. Good night!!! and have a good season!!!
