Aries:(March 21-April 19)
Your front drop will deteriorate due to the influence of Jupiter on the house
of stars. Or perhaps its that your ass is big. Who knows?
Taurus:(April. 20-May 20)
Beware of Gareth's coaching especially for front sumi. I see ambulances
doctors and llamas hair. The cards are very hazy, Emily must be around.
Gemini:(May 21-June 21)
You are going to fail all your exams despite your frantic study efforts.
Accustom yourself to wearing a hair net and salting chips, you loser.
Cancer:(June 22-July 22)
Money problems are on the horizon, you spent too much on cheap cider and
haribo in Dundee. A positive lifestyle change is in the offing, resist it
with all your energy.
Leo:(July 23-Aug. 22)
All your clothes are minging and shall be burnt in a big pyre by the lake.
Don't worry though some old hands of the club will kit you out with velour
leotards for your everyday wear.
Virgo:(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Keep eating those Nestle double creams and your sumis will suffer. Your seat
drop will reap the benefits however. Choose wisely
Libra:(Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You arenít much of an athlete but the new eurotramp masks your flabby mid
section. Beware of flying throw in pads and the future will be rosy.
Scorpio:(Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
I see a romance on the cards with someone in the club. Beware however that
your prey is not interested in you at all. Remember trying is the first step
toward failure motto: Never Try!
Sagittarius:(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Beware! Aisling Smith is after your soul. Bring garlic and a stake with you
Capricorn:(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A tricky situation will arise this month. It will be a tough nut to crack but
with Michaelís ass to help you all will turn out well.
Aquarius:(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will do a front sumi to face leaving you with a waffle like complection.
Donít worry you will always be able to join the circus as part of the freak
Pisces:(Feb. 19-March 20)
Aisling Ni Mhaoinis will conduct a sťance with the departed via one of the
radio headsets from ISTO. Be prepared for poor reception on the other side
and also Clodagh piping up on a regular basis.